The Adventure

He had such a way about him. He was easy to talk with and blow up at now and then. He had the great skill of listening to people and mediating. EVERYONE liked Mike.

A mutual friend left a message on my voice mail last Tuesday. He's got a heavy southern accent and I couldn't believe I heard it correctly. I couldn't believe it when I spoke with my friend on the phone and still can't believe he's gone.

Mike would have been the last person I would have thought would take that option. The longer I thought about it though, the more I think I understand. He was smart, logical, practical and kept pretty much to himself. He was outgoing but not revealing about himself. I just find it so horrible that killing himself was the only way out he could find. It brings home to me how fragile we all are and how little we all really know about each other under the surface.

It makes me want to shake everyone I care about and say, "Talk to me! Are you okay in there!?!?" In some ways I am jealous that he had the balls to do it. I've been down in that dark hole so very far down that I've wanted to die but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

He had a my space or face book page or something like that. All his music on there was dark and suicidal. He had emailed a bunch of friends on Sunday that hadn't heard from him in awhile. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I heard from him about 2 weeks ago. Just catching up.

Mike is gone. I just hope that at the very last fraction of a second he didn't regret his choice. I wish he had been able to reach out for help.

I've never seen such a political response from this country's citizens. I've never seen the spontaneous celebration across the country as a result of his election. I can't help but feel we've taken gigantic steps to show the world what the American people are about.

I've been in tears since he topped 270. Made Rhea come out with in spite of the fireworks in the neighborhood.

What a wonderful speech he's made tonight. What a great place to start.

1- I have great tickets for some great concerts in the next few months. They are Lucinda Williams, Lyle Lovett/John Haitt, Janis Ian and Richie Havens. Tixs were all cheap and worst seat is 3rd row center. I love going to concerts and theater myself. I just totally lose myself. I laugh, cry and just come away feeling so uplifted.

2- Now this will sound really silly... but I can walk again. Walk and walk and walk and then not have my back hurt, or my feet hurt, or have to stop every 20 feet to rest. I mowed the lawn tonight, worked up a real dripping sweat, was tired, but my body felt good.

3- I lead such a nice simple little life in my bubble.

4- I am very lucky to have some wonderful people in my life that care a lot about me and who I also care for a great deal. This is the biggest gift I have.

5- Off to bed. I'm beat. No Klonopin tonight.

I have an appointment at the lab at 9:30 tomorrow and an appt with my oncologist afterwards. She is one of my favorite doctors.

I'm hanging onto "it just can't be so" as that's about all I've got now. The last year has been all about getting healthy. Wouldn't it be a kick in the ass if all this exercise, losing 50 lbs and all that jazz resulted in proving that I can't even control the one thing I'm trying to control?

My dog Rhea is my biggest source of strength. If it's positive I will not be looking for work anymore. I don't know what I would do medically. Don't much like the options so I'm just not going there.

So here's to hoping this is all about nothing except tests showing everything and investigating everything.

Will let yall know when I get the all is well.