ann_c's JournURL weblog

For awhile it looked like he might decide against any intervention, especially as one of his problems is paranoia against the medical establishment.

I've been telling him it is his choice. He knows he is 84 and losing his health and independence bit by bit. I don't think it is right to try to extend life by harsh medical interventions in such an old man. People have to eventually die, don't they? So far it is clear the medical profession doesn't agree with me. Everyone of them has been full steam ahead, you can beat this with surgery, chemo, maybe radiation, maybe more chemo...

At this point, I guess none of this matters because once the surgeon told him that the alternative to surgery is to wait for the bowel to obstruct and then die a horrible death "vomiting feces" it was a little hard for me to advocate the natural route. ("Gee, dad, that doesn't sound too bad, does it? I say you just suck it up!")

We all feel like we’ll never get free of him. I have to go up again next week for another two day. Then surgery, then rehab, then what?? I read that over 95% of people over the age of 80 live more than a year after colon cancer surgery. I can't even think about that.

It's a rock and a hard place, for sure. Because in spite of him being a miserable, selfish, domineering, rage infused asshole, he is also a very confused, ill, lonely and vulnerable old man. There is absolutely no way for me to abandon him. This isn't guilt or filial affection it is simple compassion.

I figure that leaves me with only two real choices: Do what I have to with an open heart, try to help him as best I can as he dies, allow myself to feel compassion and care for a helpless, crazy old man who is all alone in his final days OR I can hunker down into resentment, victimization, anger and depression. I can believe this is a terrible thing that is a constant black cloud in my life or look at it as the beginning of a road that will eventually end in freedom for me.

While I am deciding which path to choose, I am going to stay mad at myself for scheduling the stupid colonoscopy right before our trip. We’ve been anticipating this get away for months and to have it taken away is just icing on this crap cake. Especially since we have to go back to work on Monday.

And when people say “oh, I’m sooo sorry about your dad.” I'll try not to scream, "WHY CAN'T OLD PEOPLE DIE LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO!!" in response. That probably wouldn't be very proper, would it?

Well, that's that. And now I have to go pack for our weekend in Oregon "celebrating" my mother-in-laws 90th birthday!! :) OK, I'm seeing a little bit of humor here...that is a good sign.

Ann (aka Dr Kevorkian, Jr)

Ann

That lack of craving pretty much lasted for the next four years. I maintained my weight without any trouble. It was GREAT. I thought, HA! I’ve finally conquered my food demons!

Then about two years ago, it slowly started getting harder again, I started getting hungry and then hungrier and then REALLY HUNGRY. I’d eat my normal meals and immediately want to eat some more normal meals, and then perhaps an abnormal meal or two. I. put on three pounds that year and then four more this year. It’s been taking huge amounts of will power to try to keep my diet in check. It’s like I just can't stop myself. SO FRUSTRATING!

Well, a couple weeks ago I read in the paper about another research study that compared a low fat diet to a low carb diet. The low carb diets, once again, had people losing more weight and keeping it off longer. People reported they had fewer cravings on the low carb diet.

That started me thinking. Two years ago I made a commitment to eat five fruits or veggies a day in an effort to be healthy. But what I got in the habit of doing was eating four fruits during the day and one token veggie with dinner. I brought fruit with me and kept dried fruit in my desk so I had it available all the time.

I started reading more about carbs, it turns out fruits are full of carbs. I added up a typical day’s worth of fruit and I figure I was eating about 120 carbs just in fruit a day. Holy crap! That’s the same as two King Size Snicker’s Bars!

So a week or ago I cut out all fruit, cut back some on other obvious carbs and within three days I stopped being so dang ravenous. I've been hungry, but its the exact same kind of hunger that I had all those years when I was losing or maintaining my weight. It's a markedly different feeling, it isn't a driven need to eat, its just a little rumbly feeling. No big deal at all. Weird, huh?

Like yesterday, I spent most of it with my dad taking him to a doctors appointment. I had a big mug of tea with milk for breakfast, then didn't have anything to eat until 1pm. I hardly noticed. Usually going to my dad's stresses me out and I want to eat the entire line-up of Ben and Jerry's.

We'll see. Perhaps it is a fluke or a placebo effect. But wouldn't it be simple if all I had to do was cut back on fruit and up my intake of mayo?? I could so live with that.

Ann
Janet, do you think this might be some of the reason you are doing so well? The less carbs you eat the less you want?